It’s been quite a while since I’ve updated, I know, and things have been pretty scattered on this little end of the Internet. I’ve had several contributors writing here with me, and while it has been lovely working collaboratively with other talented, strong, passionate women, I’m going to take it back to a more personally oriented site for a time. It’s reflective of what my life is right now: sitting back, taking time, observing, and moving inward. I will have other writers contributing from time to time, but for now, you are all mine.Or I am all yours.
Hello Darkness My Old Friend
To catch you up on, say, the last 3 years or so: I’ve been intentionally going through a huge internal transition. I have been working tirelessly, but not always successfully, on digging into my inner landscape, observing what is there, looking at what I’ve been ignoring, and essentially cleaning up my “house”. For those of you whom know me personally, this might sound like a familiar refrain. That’s because it is. I am, and have been for as long as I can remember, dedicated to growing myself as a person. Again, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am some incredibly advanced person with infinite wisdom or insight. It just means that I try really hard to see the negative things about myself and decide whether I want to change those things or not. If I do want to change something, I begin the challenging path of finding the root of why I do those things, and how to change it. Sometimes that means me becoming a nicer person. Sometimes that means I cut people out. Sometimes that means I sit on my floor and cry like a hot mess. I’m learning to be understanding and loving to all those parts of myself, and let me tell you: it has been a long time coming.
Self love is not something we are truly taught in American culture. Selfish love, yes. Ad nauseum. I want a house. I want a relationship. I want a baby. I want I want I want. How often, though, do we think about the things that we need? Truly need? Acceptance. Understanding. Support. Release. Those are not words that are often thrown around by people when they talk about what they need. Especially the last: Release.
For God Sakes, Don’t Be Vulnerable
Personally, release is the hardest for me. For me, that involves giving up varying levels of control, and for a mistrusting, intelligent, strong-willed, I-know-what-I-want kind of woman like me, that is a tough one. Release, for me, is synonymous with vulnerability, and oh how I loathe being vulnerable. It is why I have learned to laugh with people rather than them laughing at me. It is why I have learned to be hard and reactive rather than let people take advantage of me. It is why I have an overdeveloped sense of justice, the need to be right, a bitchy brashness, and all other manner of self-protective things. I hate feeling vulnerable.
I’ve moved pretty far into this whole exploring my world phase, and now that I’m realizing that it is a life path, rather than a destination, it is forcing me to actually deal with my reluctance towards release. Hell, for the last month, I’ve been about as vulnerable as I have since I was a very young child. And I can definitely say, without embarrassment or hesitation that I have indeed been a hot mess. A hot, hot mess. And as much as I would have hidden that from the people in my life before, I’m actually kind of proud to say it now. I’ve grown past the point where hardness is strength, and I’m realizing why people like Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa were so powerful, and could inspire so many. It was because their strength was in their softness, their vulnerability.
And that perspective has changed everything for me. Once I was hard. Once, I was the rock, the mountain: unmoving, unmoved. Now, I am the water: moving around, through, over, under – wherever the path takes me. The banner on the homepage is the visual I use to remind myself of that. To be the child, to release, let go, and let myself give up control, even if it is just for a little while.
So, yeah. That’s the last 3 years in a nutshell, I guess.