When You Screw Up, Fix It: 3 Steps to Being a Better Person

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Boo

An ironic cruelty of life is the discomfort of growth, the pain of evolution. You might think that growth is positive, and thus should feel good. Well, growth is positive, but that doesn’t mean it will feel that way. So my big effort at growth? Owning up to my fuck ups.

One of the biggest life lessons is learning to own up to your mistakes. But one of the biggest growth experiences is learning how to fix it. Like I said, that doesn’t mean it feels good in the moment. It’s all about the long-term, and the journey, right? Hell, just being a better person. A person of substance. A person of realness. So, be a person of substance, and learn how to fix things when you screw up. (I am getting super good at this process, because no matter how good I get at apologies, I still seem to eff things up just as much. Ah well, ’tis the realness.)

Step 1: The Acknowledgement

When you’ve done something wrong, first things first is to take responsibility and acknowledge the mistake. It doesn’t matter whether you peed on the seat ’cause you were a bit tipsy, or whether you maxed out all the credit cards: it is important to admit your fault. Was your fuck up unintentional? Great. Doesn’t matter. Still acknowledge your responsibility. In my experience, this tends to go about 75% of the way towards fixing the problem and making things right.

Step 2: The Sincere Apology

There are the right ways to apologize, and the wrong ways. The right ways usually involve looking people in the eyes, being sincere and vulnerable, and being honest. The wrong ways can be all over the board. Here’s to hoping that, at this point in life, we know the difference between being sincere and not.

Step 3: The Solution/Resolution

Now that we are big girls and boys, and can acknowledge and apologize for our fuck up, we must take things a step further to start the healing process. Yes, that’s right: START the healing. Acknowledging and apologizing are there to stop the injury, but for the most part, that’s where things end, thus leaving others to find the healing on their own. I am a firm believer in “Leave It Nicer Than You Found It” (thanks Pop), so to do that in our personal relationships, we have to find a way to fix what we broke.

Enter stage right: Flowers from a lover, lunch with a girlfriend, breakfast with your parents, and any other common way of showing people that you care for them. These are great, easy starting places for showing the people that we love how much we care. Want to take it a step further? Give deeply of your time and love. Look for solutions that are deeply personal. Do something that only benefits the other person.

Bonus Round: Let Them Vent

It takes a lot to heal a heart. I’m sure most of us carry the hurts and scars of a lifetime on our sweet, vulnerable little hearts, so we can all look at personal experience and know how hard it is to heal a hurt heart. I have found that when I hurt someone, they wanted to vent, yell, and tell me angrily how much I hurt them. Maybe they don’t actually say those words: maybe, instead, they yell at me for being too loud, or intense, or obnoxious. And you know what? Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But what I’ve learned to recognize is that they are most likely acting out of hurt, not out of spite. So I take it in stride. I look calmly and lovingly on them, and let them be their bad self. I show them with my silence, or my lack of arguing back, that I love them. Maybe, after they’ve yelled it out, I hug them, and tell them I love them.

The most important things in this life we live as people are the people we love. We don’t miss the cars, or the bank accounts, or the vacations when someone is no longer with us: we miss the person, their smell, their laugh, and cling to the memories of our experiences together. So, take a bad experience and make it into something good. Love your people, love yourself.

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Motherless on Mother’s Day

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Artemesia

Thoughts on Mother’s Day from a Motherless Daughter…

Okay, so I’m obviously not motherless. I had a mother, a wonderful mother, who died nine years ago. My mother was sort of like the quintessential mother: a true caretaker, a true nurturer. She was the kind of mother that always loved me completely and unconditionally, even when I was a messed up, drug-addled kid.

I was heartbroken when she died. Not even just heartbroken, but like my heart was empty, a hollow, fragile shell of what it had been. I felt lost, alone, weak, scared, motherless. It was like the main peg that held my family together was suddenly jerked out and my family lay in pieces, shattered, all over the place. I lay in pieces, shattered, all over the place.

May is the worst month. My mom’s deathday is on May 5, her birthday is May 18, and then, of course, Mother’s Day. A beautiful day filled with gifts, gratitude, flowers — except for me, it is a painful reminder every year of what I have lost. Of all the moments that are lost. I will never again be able to share inside jokes with my mom, hear her giggly laugh. I will never again eat her amazing cooking, do crafts with her, hug her…

It’s mostly the regret that gets me down. The regret that she never got to see me as a woman.

I have a death altar where I honor my mother. I burn candles, bring her favorite foods. I remember all she was; try to have an honest view of her as person, with all her flaws and perfection. It’s a place where I can feel closer to her, to dream her smile. It never gets easier. I still feel motherless, like an orphan.

But I am grateful I had such a beautiful mother, even for so short a time…I know others aren’t as lucky. You may feel motherless for completely different reasons than me. Maybe your mother was never a mother at all…maybe she was abusive, or absent either physically or emotionally, maybe she withheld love, was manipulative, hurtful, and unsupportive. To whom can we motherless daughters look to on Mother’s Day?

I have a lot of amazing women in my life. Creative, strong, intelligent, honest, hilarious, supportive women. I have two precious sisters who reflect so much of my mother sometimes it hurts. I take parts, pieces from them all, all these amazing women, and reassemble those pieces into a mother. They are all mothers to me in so many ways, forming the person that I am and am becoming. So this Mother’s Day, I honor the woman who birthed me and all the women in my life who continue to birth me. I honor myself and hope to one day love myself as unconditionally as my mother loved me, as everyone deserves to be loved.

So motherless daughters love all your mommas, whoever or where ever they are. Even if you are your only real mother, buy yourself flowers this Mother’s Day. And maybe some wine and chocolates, too.

Posted in Family, It's Kinda Personal | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Why I Am A Feminist

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Artemesia

Why I am a Feminist…

Years ago a friend of mine was dating a misogynist guy who would make those awful “feminazi” Rush Limbaugh type comments. Once while having a fight with my friend (who is a feminist), about the definition of feminism, he decided to just look it up on the internet. A simple Google search for the definition yielded: “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” He got pissed off and said, “Well, that’s not what feminism is, or everyone would be a feminist!”

And that’s just it! Everyone should be a feminist. It’s really that simple. But it is also incredibly complicated.

Feminism: A Dirty Word

A while back, one of my punk-rock co-workers, who is a strong woman and was a manager at my workplace at the time, was telling a story about being disrespected by a male employee because she is a woman. She started out the story by saying, “It’s not like I’m a feminist, but I deserve to be treated with the same respect as the male managers…” And I wonder, why is it bad to claim the title of feminist? Since when is feminist a dirty word that women are afraid to claim even when they are telling a story that clearly identifies them as feminist, as someone who deserves equal rights and opportunities?

I am a feminist because for thousands of years (different lengths of time depending on the location) people have been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We are told to value different qualities in women than men. We are called “bitches” when we are outspoken or ambitious or aggressive. We objectify our sisters and are taught to critique each other’s physical appearance. We are encouraged to lose our curves and shave to resemble pre-pubescent girls. Women are taught to not trust other women, to aim to be “one of the guys”. And on and on. It is a matter of constantly reframing and reclaiming our thoughts. Of constantly questioning.

Those questions certainly abound, like what is natural and what is learned behavior? How much of our behavior is based on gender roles we are forced into at birth? These questions are so interesting to me. The thing is, when considering gender roles, I always come back to the fact that feminism doesn’t just help women to be free, but frees everyone to break out of these learned roles and truly be themselves.

Women’s Rights = Everyone’s Rights

I am a feminist because the rights of women are directly linked to all oppression. One of my favorite books is The Creation of Patriarchy, by Gerda Lerner. Lerner says that women were the first slaves. All oppression stems from the oppression of women, so logically, when women are no longer oppressed, the system of oppression collapses. A review of this book deserves to be a separate post, it is really an invaluable resource. Read this book!

I am a feminist because it is an issue of rights. I have the right to be myself in any moment, no matter what that means or what qualities I am exhibiting. I have the right to speak my mind. I have the right to equal pay. I have the right to love who I love, regardless of gender. I have the right to have good, consensual sex. I have the right to love my body. I have the right to have control over my body. I have the right to be heard and speak my mind. I have the right to be safe no matter where I am, what time it is or what I am wearing. I have the right to be sweaty, dirty, loud, and tough. I have the right to be a leader, to use my strengths. I have the right to eat. I have the right to scream and cry. I have the right to be independent. I have the right to ask for and accept help. I have the right to be a strong, powerful woman. We have come far, but the battle is far from over. This is why I am a feminist.

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Blissability: Play, Children! Play! (Episode 20)

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Dodi

“The cure for boredom is curiosity.  There is no cure for curiosity.”  – Dorothy Parker

Thank goodness!  I don’t want to be cured of curiosity.  It helps us know what to do.  What to do when you don’t know where you want to be, when you don’t know what you want to do with your life.  Or your year.  Or your empty nest.  Or your empty self.

We get so good at being available for others, that we forget to be available for ourselves.  We often subvert our own desires and interests because we feel:

1.                They will be ignored.

2.                They are not important enough. Or not as important as our child’s or partner’s or                 friend’s or dog’s – or partner’s child’s friend’s dog.

3.                They will get in the way of something else that needs to be done.

So here is an exercise to begin the process of finding out what you want to do when you grow up:

Curiosicize (it’s lame, but memorable):

The next time something crosses your field of vision that looks interesting, stop and look!

Decide to try something that you just barely think you might like -

“But it’s no big deal.  I don’t really need to.  I don’t really think that would work for me because it won’t fit into my schedule, it’s too far away, I might not like the people, it’s too expensive. . .”

would you STOP?!

If it comes into your consciousness, try it. It’s not like you’re buying a house or getting your face tattooed. (Or maybe you are.)  You’re just trying it on for size.

When you see an item of clothing that you like, do you try it on?  I hope so.  When you see something that you really like, but think would never work on you, do you try it on anyway? I hope so.  Cause I usually don’t.  My poor sister has to beat me often when we go clothes shopping.

I say, “That’s so cuuuuuute.’

Gwen: “Try it on, let’s find your size!”

Me: “Oh that would look terrible on me.”

Gwen: whap!  “You are SUCH a pain in my ass.  Now go and don’t darken the dressing room door without this on.”

Me: “This is so cuuuuuute on me.”

Don’t worry about whether curiosity killed the cat, worry about whether a lack of curiosity will kill the joy in your life.  Stop suppressing your interest-moments, stop telling yourself to focus on just the practicals, the must-dos, the only-have-time-fors.  Let your curiosity out to play.  It will be like a little Tinkerbell, shining and happily jingling about you as you go through your day.  It will zoom ahead of you and look behind you and find all kinds of things to create a real life for a real girl or a real boy.  Let your curiosity coax you over the next ridge, to see the next country, to meet the next person.

Play, children.  Play!

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Women’s Day: A History Lesson via Lady Gaga

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Boo

Know Your Roots: the 19th Amendment

Indeed, for a long time, women had a Bad Romance with the American voting system. To be more accurate, a non-existent romance. But, halleluia, holy shit, we got the right to vote. In 1919, Republicans in the Senate led the vote to approve the amendment allowing women to vote, and thus, in 1920, the 19th Amendment was ratified, and women became people in the eyes of the American government.

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Blissability: Competition, Winning, and the Ego (Episode 19)

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Dodi

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”  – George Carlin

Intense? Feeling driven? Doing something with success is way cool. What about when you start to put others down because of it? Where is the line between enjoying something and obsessively driving to win? There is always that quantum moment when you cross over from “Wow, I’m good at this!” or “I am loving this!” to “Damn if I’ll let her steal my thunder!”

Competitiveness.

It can be so great. It assists us to greater heights. Competition makes you better at your job. It helps keep you sharp.

It can be so awful. Competition can lay on you like a 3 ton stone. It can hurt your soul. It can drive you mercilessly.

Or can it?

What if the thing that lays on you like a 3 ton stone or drives you mercilessly is your own ego?

We live in a world that is, by its very nature, competitive.  Animals compete for food.  We compete for jobs or attention.  So, rather than running away from it, perhaps we are here to learn to live peaceably within this source of power and irritation.

I think the first thing to do is recognize and accept in myself the times when competition becomes detrimental within my own psyche.  That is, of course, easy to write – hard to achieve.

I have been attempting to live in this rarefied atmosphere by reducing distractions, writing in my journal at night before I go to bed to help me process my day, using silence and stillness to assess.  I’ve now gotten to the point that I look forward to my quiet morning when my husband is still asleep and I’m up puttering about.  I look forward to ‘walks and thinks’.  I’ve been identifying where I make the turn from happily achieving something to feeling like I MUST do (for whatever reason my ego dishes up to keep me in line).

I think the next thing to do is create some coping skills; you know, exercise my emotion-muscles.  Being emotionally fragile is not something you want to go through life saddled with if you can do something about it.  I think we often assume that we are at the mercy of our egos or emotions.  I think we forget that they belong to us, we don’t belong to them.  So I try working out ways with each situation that I could move to a state of peace while still achieving my goal.  I often find myself thinking at these times of ways to release my ego and just be happy and enjoy the thing I’m doing.

When I retired from my job, a friend who is an attorney asked me how I could give up the prestige of the position much less the money.  I told her that I didn’t really have an ego problem when it came to making money.  Later, her words came back to me.  Why didn’t I have an ego problem when it came to money or the power that went with it?

So I’ve been thinking about where my ego pops up and acts like a Tasmanian Devil, snarling and slobbering and threatening; and where I’m more like a swan gliding across a lake – free of the chains of my ego.  So far, it seems my ego is more active when I’m doing things that made me special in my earlier years.  When I’m doing things that set me apart at an older time in my life, my ego doesn’t seem to have noticed that and is off somewhere planning its next assault on my activities from teenhood.

It’s interesting and I don’t have a clear answer yet, but perhaps my observations will help you on your way as well.  Where does your ego start to snarl?  Why?

Do the things you love, do the things you’re good at.  Take joy in your skills.  And when you start to feel driven, experiment with stillness and silence.

And listen to what comes to you.  It might the answer you’ve been waiting for your whole life.

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I Challenge You.

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Boo

I challenge you to read this…wait, no, don’t. I don’t want you to just read it. This is a place of challenge, and just as with change, it can be uncomfortable. Growth, my favorite yogi says, is uncomfortable. So, no, I don’t challenge you to simply read this.

I challenge you to be uncomfortable.

I challenge you to say exactly how you feel, unrestrained by fear of rejection, ridicule, misinterpretation, or dismissal. Be brave in owning your feelings.

I challenge you to stop agreeing to do things that you will never do. Be real with yourself and others. Say no.

I challenge you to be open when it’s hardest. Look on a person that hurts you with love rather than malice. Peel back the wall that protects you — anger, fear, denial, avoidance, and any form of self-destructive behavior — and look at why this protective response is happening. This is a difficult, and incredibly effective path, towards true self-awareness.

I challenge you to act instead of talk. Don’t just tell your mom you love her; do something to show her. Have a complaint? Then take action to find its remedy. Even if it seems impossible. Doors open when you set your intention, no matter how unconquerable.

I challenge you to treat the world with compassion, even when it is spitting in your face. The only true freedom you have in life is in how you respond to every situation, every individual, and every single second of existence.

I challenge you to embrace love. Next time your friend wants to treat you for a drink, your son wants to open your car door, or your mother wants to pinch your cheeks and squeal, open your arms wide with gratitude, acceptance, and love. Receive willingly and let love in.

I challenge you to let go of your baggage. Or at least some of it. Yes, shitty things happen. Yes, they change us in ways we never expect, and they become part of who we are. But accept what has happened and decide if you should carry it with you for the rest of your life. Look through that baggage — deal with it, clean it out, and decide what will be carried, and what will be left behind.

I challenge you to be exceedingly free and open when it comes to telling the people you love how you feel.

I challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror and honestly assess the person you are. Are you who you want to be? Do you even know what that is — what you want to be?

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Blissability: Honor Your True Self, Even if it’s Uncomfortable (Episode 18)

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Dodi

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

Oh yes.  Now this is wisdom.  Wish I could do it.

How often do we think one thing and do another?  Like agreeing to have to a 2nd or 3rd date with someone you’re not really crazy about just because it seemed like, well, what the hell?  Or saying yes to volunteering for a cause that wants you, even if you don’t really want it, because you think you ought to, not because your heart cares about it?  Or ingesting, imbibing or inhaling stuff you don’t think is good for you because others are – food, drugs, those last 4 drinks?  ‘Oh, it’s just one cookie. Try it.’ This list could go on and on.

How often do we think one thing but say something different?  Either to spare feelings or spare conflict. Or stay out of a political discussion when we have thoughts or feelings about the subject?  Or refrain from voicing our outrage when someone is awful to another person in our presence?  Or suck up to the boss?

Someone told me that acting adversely to your inner self causes disease.  In my job, I dealt with lots of retirees. Over a 25 year period, I got to watch thousands of people age.  My experience showed me how damaging it is over a long term to act conversely to your true self.

It damages relationships.  Do you really think your partner would leave or your friends disown you if you voiced your true opinions or if you just went ahead and did what you really wanted to do?  You don’t have to be an ass, you just have to say the thing without second guessing, without taking the temperature of the room every time.  Sometimes it’s perfectly ok to just say what you think.  If you have friends or family who couldn’t handle it, then it might be a good idea to begin steering your relationships towards truth.  Have faith in the people who love you to stay and trust that the process will take those out of your life who shouldn’t be there anyway.

It damages health.  I’ve watched time after time as some clients aged early and went into decline long before other clients. One day it occurred to me that many of them had the same personality trait in common – they only expressed their true attitudes about money (my realm) with me privately when spouse or family wasn’t present.

It damages time. What good is it to spend a lifetime pretending?  When it’s over, will you feel you lived a fulfilled life?  Or will you feel you wasted it pretending to be someone else?

My youngest and I have a problematic trait in common, we are both really good at making ourselves actually not want the thing we think others will not want.  We are both really good at saying, ‘It’s no biggie. Don’t worry about it. I don’t really care one way or the other.’  In fact, my daughter is so good at this her nickname is Maybe Baby.  She is a sweet, gentle soul who prefers to avoid conflict with others – I love and respect her for that.

BUT, sometimes conflict is necessary.  And avoiding it can cause more problems than it solves.  Sometimes conflict is there to teach us to firm up our borders and say to whomever, ‘it is not ok with me for you to treat to me like that.’ ‘I don’t agree with you.’ ‘You acted badly.’

‘Moderation in all things’ applies to standing up for ourselves and speaking our true selves as well as all the other things to which people like to attach this phrase.

Homework: practicing peaceful conflict (Ha, just thought that up, and I like it!)

Think of ways to disagree without being ugly about it.  One of my old friends, Peter, a wise warrior and phenome of living a full life, taught me a technique:

When someone says something to which you might disagree, try saying ‘and’ instead of ‘but’.  For instance, when one of your bulldozer friends says, “The WAY to do this is ______!”  You could say, “And you could also  _____.”

You can try silent active resistance.  When someone suggests something you don’t want to do or something with which you don’t agree, you can remain silent. Don’t speak either in agreement or in sympathy hoping to bond with the person.  Just let the comment hang there.  If they are thoughtful, they will notice and may even ask your opinion, which you should feel free to offer.  (I’m not suggesting this for important decisions.) If they are not thoughtful or take advantage of your silence, then you have learned something important about this person that you should file away and remember.

You can practice saying things that are self protective and true –

“I have a different thought about that.”

“We can take turns expressing a preference about where we go.  You choose tonight and I’ll choose tomorrow.”  Then keep your word, don’t wimp out.

Here’s another brain game to play with yourself:

Pretend you are not responsible to anyone other than yourself, that you live alone, that you work by yourself, that others are simply not around.   Now, what would you do if you were happily alone for the moment and had the same decision to make?  Where would you eat?  How would you vote?  How would you dress?  What would your environment look like?  How would you spend your money?  Who would you choose to call and who would you just as soon not speak to? When would you see family or friends if left completely to your own decision making? The answers to these questions might give you a clue as to where you are avoiding conflict.

I’m practicing.  I’m trying out these things and some others.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  If you have phrases or behaviors that have worked for you in maintaining healthy borders, please share.

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There are Days…

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Boo

There are some days when I’m sitting at my desk, with no bra, and as my breasts rest on my top belly roll, I think: Life is Good.

There are some days when I’m sitting at my desk, no bra, breasts resting on the top roll, and I think: I am such a slob.

There are days when I look in the mirror, and I feel like I can conquer the world with just one little wink.

There are days when I look in the mirror, and I feel like the world has conquered me, and gravity continues to do its best to bring me down.

The difference between these days, I have come to realize, is when I first wake up in the morning. That is when I decide what kind of day it will be.

Today, I’m making it a “Life is Good/I’m the Conquerer” kind of day.

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Girl Stereotypes

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Jackiebot

This video should definitely be watched with a grain of salt and a sense of humor.  However, it does also raise a few questions. Such as.. how often do you say ‘can you do me a favor?’ in the course of a day? How long did it take that guy to learn how to walk in heels? How’d they talk Juliette Lewis into this?

Seriously, though, this is meant as comedy, but I’m interested to know if any ladies out there see something else here.

Shit Girls Say

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Blissability: Deal with the Bad, Talk About the Good (Episode 17)

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Dodi

“To remember what you once thought life could hold, after telling over with muddied and calculating fingers what it has offered.”  – Mary Stewart

When you tell your story to yourself or others, are you the victim or the hero?  I read that in a great book.  I really liked the idea.  Being the hero of your own story: not in a supplicant, begging way, but in a powerful way.  In a way that raises you up.

When you tell your story, do you dwell on the misfires?  Do you repeat the woundings?  Do you stay in the septic system of the story or do you rise up to the triumphant treeptops?

I’m not suggesting that you avoid dealing with traumas.  I’m not saying don’t talk about bad stuff.  I’m not telling you not to weep for sadnesses.

I’m suggesting that you give voice to the good in your life and thereby invite more of it in.  I’m saying to also talk about good stuff, give way to the glories.  Allow yourself and others to accept those happy events that occurred.

Lately, our culture wants us all to work through our problems, talk about things that bother us, cry it out, don’t let it fester.  I am a strong believer that the feelings you don’t feel are the ones that run your life.

BUT. . . I also found that in my own experience, I needed to give voice to the good to find balance.  Moderation in all things, my children.  Even talking about your traumas.

We are all trying to resist the messages that unless you are beautiful, you are nothing.  Think about another message that’s being delivered, ‘unless you are tragic, you are not noticeable’.

And another, ‘Unless you are unhappy, you aren’t really thinking about life.’

And another, ‘To matter, to be special, you must have your trauma-tale ready to pull out at a moment’s notice.’

And another, ‘It’s not really possible to permanently lose weight.’

And one more! ‘Certain people are hardwired to be happier than others and if you’re not hardwired that way, oh well, too bad.’

I guess my point is this – we get told a lot that appears to be wisdom – at least the wisdom of the moment.  It may or may not be true, so my suggestion is that you look to yourself for your wisdom and take all of the rest of us (Blissability included!) with a big grain of salt.

That said, what would happen if you admitted that you had happy times?  What would happen if you just decided to feel happy just now? for right this minute?  Try it on, try on ‘happy’. Did you lighten a little?

What would happen if you balanced the recounting of the wounds you suffered at the hands of others or of fate with the joys you remember?  What if you don’t have many joys?  Then try balancing the traumas with the possibilities.

What would happen if you balanced your telling of what life has offered with speaking of the hope of what life can offer?

What would happen if you took a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. . .and quietly, on the seat of your experiences, walking the line of your life’s history. . . just balanced?

Try balance.  Stop for just a minute right here and feel it deep in you: balance, steadiness.  How you do feel?

Now, one last question –

What goodies are you getting from suffering?

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What Feminism Means to Me

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Dodi

I am a 54 year old woman.  I was a kid in the 1960s and 1970s.  When I went to work in finance, only 2% of the industry was female.  I was told to make coffee.  I declined.  I was made fun of and blatantly sabotaged when I succeeded because the saboteurs were insecure.  I ignored and kept on going.  I was sexually harassed at a time when you just deflected and kept your mouth shut.  I deflected well.  I was in my 20s in the 1980s, when you were supposed to stay in the bad marriage and raise your children to accept it.

Initially, feminism meant feelings of gratitude to Susan B. Anthony, Betty Freidan, Margaret Sanger, Jean Kirkpatrick, Indira Gandhi and many other women who paved the way.  Initially, feminism meant striking out on my own because I could in that changing world.  It meant arguing with the banker who wouldn’t let me open a bank account because I was a single mother and winning because some other woman had the courage to fight that same fight before me and win.

Initially, feminism meant raising my daughters to own themselves, provide for themselves and value themselves.  It meant raising my son to see women as equally intelligent, equally important and equally invested in our world.

I celebrate the courage it took to say no to a man when it was a man’s world.  I celebrate those courageous women.  I celebrate the determination it took to fight for rights when the male establishment slowed down the process, put up road blocks and patted them on the head with a “There, there, you don’t need to worry, we’ll take care of you.”  I celebrate those women who refused to take “There, there” for an answer.

I celebrate that I feel good about my womanhood, that I could provide for my family, that I could live on my own, that I found a wonderful man to partner with who understood and supported my career ascendency in a man’s world.  I celebrate that I have a great partner now, stable children and the ability to provide for myself without feeling indebted to anyone in the world.  I own me.  Thanks to Betty and Margaret and Susan and Gloria and so many unknown others.

Now, feminism means looking back at what I did to build that foundation myself.  It means seeing the world through the eyes of my daughters who do and are more than I have been and rejoicing in them.  It means seeing my son be shocked when he sees a woman treated as second class, because he never would.

Now, feminism means finding balance. Balance between fighting the good fight for women and caring about the unique difficulties of being a man in our culture.  Now, it means being a humanist.

Feminism has led me to humanism.  To care as much about the inequalities faced by white men as by women.  To care equally about the divides of race as I do gender.  To want to create a world in which people are treated without bias.  Period.

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What Feminism Means to Me: The Boo Edition

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Boo

As a Young Boo … An Awakening

I started life in a religion that told me The Father is the head of the household. But luckily, I had my amazing mother who taught me, rather than told me, right from wrong. As a young girl, to me, girls and boys were different simply because we had different private parts, in the most Kindergarten Cop kind of way: Boys had penises, girls had vaginas. And, as a tomboyish girl, that was fine with me. Friends were friends, whether they were boys or girls. In fact, for my first 7 years of life, my best friends were boys. I couldn’t tell the difference – I just knew that we all liked to play the same games, like war, and wild animals.

It wasn’t until I got a little older when the world started telling me that boys and girls were different for other reasons. Boys were better at science. Girls didn’t ask questions in class. Boys were doctors. Girls were nurses. Boys played sports. Girls played house. Boys could be powerful. Girls should be pretty. Boys had careers. Girls had children. Boys became Men. Girls became Mom.

As a Teen Boo … A Growing Awareness

Then, as a teenager, those differences became more complicated. Boys planned to lose their virginity. Girls planned their wedding dresses. Boys could, and should, have sex with as many girls as possible. Girls shouldn’t have sex with anyone. Boys could drive fast cars and be rowdy. Girls could sit in the passenger seat and look good. Boys asked a girl’s father for permission to marry their daughter. Girls didn’t ask anyone shit.

As a Young Adult Boo … A Warrior

As a young adult, again, those differences were more complicated, but still defining. Men were seen as fiesty and hardnosed businessmen if they mades demands in the workplace. Women were seen as bitches for the same characteristics. Men were the execs. Women were the secretaries. Men got promoted for playing golf. Women got promoted for playing with their boss. Men could be flirtatious and friendly, and it was seen as charming and approachable. Women could be flirtatious and friendly, and be seen as a slut.

Yes, to some extent, these things are stereotypes. But they exist. And despite how far “feminism” has brought women in the last 40 years, they still exist. For a long time, these differences infuriated me. I became hard, and angry, and lashed out at anything that I saw as unfair, because for so fucking long, those imbalances in fairness had not fallen in my favor. I saw myself as A Feminist, a warrior that must wage battle against every gender-based iniquity that befell me or my sister women. I let my anger and my emotions lead me, I let my head tell me what to do. I left my heart out in the cold, and instead, warmed my hands on the fires of fairness.

Redefining My Feminism

Then one day, I grew up. I started to look around and realize that I was oppressing myself just as much as my oppressors, and, gasp, not all of my oppressors were men. They came in every shape, size, color, and, yes, gender. But one thing that they all had in common: They were insecure individuals looking to wield whatever little bit of power they held over others. I opened my eyes to realize that the battle of injustice was not just one of the sexes, but one of the classes, beliefs, and all other manner of defining groups of people. I determined that I was a Feminist, yes, and I decided to redefine what that meant to me. I am still constantly working on that definition, because the more I grow, the more it grows. And now, to me, being a feminist is more about caring about my fellow human beings, and fellow furry friends, than it is about worrying over what imbalances there are because of my gender.

Obviously, sexism is a very real thing. Just as racism, and classism, and any other manner of hating a group of people because of a common characteristic. These injustices are what I rail against. These broad sweeps of the hating pen are what I yearn to erase. With that, I would like to share my ongoing list of what I believe defines me as a feminist. This is in no way a complete list, and it appears in no certain order. Nor does this apply to everyone’s opinion of what defines feminism. This is mine, and I hope that there is at least one thing on this list to which any one person can relate.

Feminism is…

Empowering yourself
Creating your world your way
Respecting everyone’s experience
Agreeing to disagree
Loving for love’s sake
Equality for all living beings
Caring for yourself and others
Living life, not running from it
Trusting your own instincts
Embracing the nurturing qualities of yourself and those around you
Dealing with your emotions, not hiding from them
Knowing where your issues end and others’ begin
Seeking justice
Embracing the power of heart
Nurturing the good in yourself and others
Sharing happiness
Not taking other’s emotions personally
Thinking for yourself
Loving Yourself

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When Speaking Out Helps

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Jackiebot

You can’t visit any media outlet today without seeing a couple dozen people speaking out against one thing or another. I love seeing people stand up for what they believe in. I love, even more, when those cries don’t fall on deaf ears.

Recently, there was a huge uproar across the internet about “Girls Science Kits.” These were kits sold by various resellers, such as Edmund Scientifics, and created by Wild Science.  These kits were marketed toward young girls, and just screamed of the worst kind of stereotypes. Moving past the glaring fact that scientific exploration has been divided between girls and boys, let’s take a look at what a company like this deems “girly science.” If you click on that Wild Science link, you’re instantly greeted by a very bright, very obnoxious sort of pink layout. Only to find such mind-numbingly ridiculous products such as Beauty Spa and Mystic (KRAZY) Crystals.   Apparently, if you’re a girl and interested in science, you’re limited to knock-off beauty supplies and shiny things.

As ridiculous as this whole thing is, the uproar about it worked. While Wild Science is still marketing this rather absurd line of products JUST to young girls, the vendors who are selling these have listened to the feedback. On December 1st, Edmund Scientifics announced that they will no longer separate these products by gender, and will instead group them under ‘Novelty Kits.’

High-five, Edmund Scientifics. While I don’t think the products should be removed from the market entirely (who knows, someone somewhere will probably have a great time making snow flakes), it is extremely important to impress on young girls that they can split any atoms they damn well please. They are NOT limited to spa products and useless crystals.

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Blissability: Blaze Your Trail, A Trail of You (Episode 16)

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Dodi

Look forward, angel.

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.”   

- Robert Frost

There is nothing that can take the place of walking in a place where few others have walked.  Think virgin snow, no footprints.  Think a path of deep autumn leaves, unriven by any other walker, just ahead and waiting for you. Then you walk through and look back and see a trail.  A trail of you.

The road not taken – what an alluring and scary concept.  When I look back on my life thus far, I am most happy with myself in those moments when I did things that were solely born of my heart.

There were times when I stepped alone, out into the darkness of not knowing what would happen.  I stepped into what I hoped would be a better life for me and for the kids.  I left behind everything I knew.  Times when I chose a clearly difficult or uncertain path because it felt right and for no other reason:  when I started what turned out to be my career, when I left that same career, when I married again after my husband died, when I started writing.

Last night I started to think about the times when I took the road less traveled by.  As I put all those times together, I could clearly see my true self in those decisions.  I got a sense of who I might be.  I was quietly happy with what I saw of myself in those decisions.

What roads have you taken that were not expected by those around you?

Did you take subjects in school that surprised your parents?

Did you make a big decision that was not what others thought it would be?

Is there anything you’ve done of which you are particularly proud?  What led you to that time?

When you think about the times you took the road less traveled, what do those times tell you about yourself?

That road can be beautiful and scary.  It can also be treacherous.  But when you are walking the path that feels, the one that rings true deep in you, you are walking a path toward bliss.

The sheerest film of faith can hold the stars in the sky.

Have faith in you.

Trust you.

Get quiet. . .

and listen. . .

I would love, love to hear about your ‘road not taken’, please share.  People have emailed me to say how much they enjoy the comments as well as the articles.  You are warmly welcome here.

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Blissability: I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again (Episode 15)

Posted on December 13, 2011 by Dodi

oh noes...

Gentleman Jim Corbett, the boxer, when asked how he won every single fight: “Easy.  Just get up one more time.”

Bleh! I failed.

I failed miserably today in my efforts to be real and sincere.  I wasn’t loving.  I wasn’t sincerely me.  And I most definitely was NOT blissed out.

I went to a meeting that didn’t go well.  I let myself get all up on my opinionated high ground about the behavior of someone else who was monopolizing things, breathing everyone else’s air.  I didn’t say anything, but I thought it and felt it.  And I’ll just bet it leaked through in my words and showed on my face.

I wanted you to know that I’m still trying.  And I’m not giving up.

I’m going to sit with myself after I finish writing and release the heat of that experience.  I’m going to let it go.  I’m going to keep releasing until I’m no longer irritated.  I’m going to keep opening up until I feel some serenity poke it’s head in like a shy little kitten, peaking to see if the coast is clear.

Then, I’m going to check in with my dignity.  Is there some kind and real action that should be taken to help these meetings go more smoothly in the future?  If so, should I be involved?  Should I mention it to the chair of the meeting?  If not, I’ll work on moving on.

I’m going to work through forgiving myself for my high-handed thoughts.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I didn’t say anything rude, but I sure thought some things that would’ve left some ears stinging.  Besides, it’s not the other people in that meeting to whom I’m accountable, it’s myself that I must account to and for.  If I’m serious about finding more bliss, I have to like me. I am going to face my behavior, accept that it is not my true nor my best self and that it is the bad habit of years of defensiveness.  I also, sadly, have to accept the fact that one of the reasons this bothered me if because I can be like that, too.  I have to work to keep a reign on myself and not overtake the conversation.  I have to remember to shut up sometimes, often I do well with this. . . but not always.

I’m already thinking of coping techniques that will allow me to release these bad habits when I get in that situation again.

I’m going to go back and purposely put myself in that person’s orbit.  I’m going to try and listen to what their deep need is.  What causes them to be such a bulldozer?  And I’m going to try and care.  I hope I’ll find the heart of a woman who just wants someone to say, “Wow, you did a good job.”

Then, if I can, I’m going to say, “Wow, you did a good job.”  If I can, I’m going to give kindness.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Ed. Note: Yes, the title is meant to give you the earworm. Merrrrrrrry Christmawanakwanzkia! 
Lv, Boo 

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Blissability: Sincerely, You. (Episode 14)

Posted on December 7, 2011 by Dodi

Simple. Serene. Sincere.

“The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

This episode is dedicated to Jordan and Beth, whom I love.

The Christmas tree in Charlie Brown had nothing going for it except one thing.  It was a sincere little tree.

You know how you can smell it when someone it not being their truest self?  Well, they can smell it on you.

I know.  I can stink sometimes.  It’s so easy to get up on our high horse about how great we are or how much we know about something or what we have or . . .

I have two great and dear friends who spent their lives in Africa serving in the Peace Corp and then with the United Nations.  You’d never know that they have a collection of African art worth $$$$$$. You’d never know how much more they know than you do, how much more they have done than you have.  They are sincerely still learning and listening and caring.  They are amazing.

I find that I feel truly BLISS FULL when I am with them.  I like me more when I am with them. I like me more than the me I created to be out in the world, because they draw out my truest self.  They are sincere with me and I am, in turn, sincere when I am with them.  My ‘sincere me’ is kinder than I am.  She is a better listener.  She is content with things the way they are.  She likes people more.  She is softer.

I have to stop and be still to let her out.  The talk and busyness have a tendency to push ‘sincerely me’ away and bring up the part of me that likes to show off.  I hate to have to even type that.  It’s so embarrassing.  But it’s true.

The weight of building a persona to navigate the world is too great.  If we navigate the world with our true selves as captain, we feel lighter.  We act lighter.  We are joyous.  My 2 friends can brag to high heaven and it doesn’t sound like bragging.  It sounds like the excitement of a 5 year old with a cool new thing.  They are sharing their joy, not their accomplishments. They are trilling, not trumpeting.

So, I’m trying that right now.  I’m trying to be me.  When I find myself putting on airs, I stop and look at myself with a kind and critical eye.  ‘Why, Dodi,” I hear my grandmother say “just be Dodi.  Just be that sweet little girl in the picture.  You don’t have to make people respect or like you.  Just say the most true thing and it will all come out just fine.”

Homework:  Search for your sincere self.

When there are no expectations of you, when no one is looking, when no one is criticizing, when no one wants something, what kind of person are you?  Take the time to describe your self as if you were describing a new acquaintance to a friend.

Now go back and do the same thing, but this time describe your self as if you were the one person in the world who loves you most, describing you to a friend.

Be kind to you.

Be truly you.

Keep trying every time you remember it and see if you can create a wave of realness that orbits around you and affects your whole world.

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Blissability: The Gentle Bliss that Follows (Episode 13)

Posted on November 29, 2011 by Dodi

“We are what we see in others.”

I had an interesting experience when I was in full work mode.  Power suit (and I mean POWER suit) Mercedes convertible, the very best brief case, state of the art everything and several assistants to make sure I was at the top of my game. Do I sound like I’m bragging? Keep reading.

I went to an organic grocery store to buy something.  Feeling pretty happy, relaxed.  The store clerk would not help me.  I needed to find something and she simply looked at me, said ‘I don’t know’ and walked away.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, said anything untoward.  What the hell?

The man behind the butcher counter looked at me, smiled and shook his head.  He said with a completely straight face, “She hates women who wear makeup and look like they have money.”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, she won’t talk to them or help them.  Don’t take it personally.  She’s just a bigoted hippy.”

I thought about talking to the management, but left it alone.  However, it got me thinking.  I, who pride myself on accepting others, my achievements, my VP-ness, my Benz, must also have some bigotries.  (Pride? Bias? Are they different sides of the same sword?) I, the great achiever: Was I any better for my pride in my accomplishments and my judgements of others?

Did my achievements bring me closer to others, or set me apart?  Did my bigotries, however small or trite or unrevealed to myself bring me closer or set me apart? Why in the world would I want to be set apart from others?  And does bias lead to bliss?  A resounding no to that.

Earlier, we talked about expectations. What about our expectations of others?  Did the ‘bigoted hippy’ see me for who I was?  She expected me to be a demanding snob – shallow, materialistic, haughty – simply because of how I was dressed.  Was I any better?  Nope.

I found I was biased toward those that I felt didn’t work as hard as me.  I was biased toward those who used ‘flakiness’ as their excuse for being irresponsible.  I found myself in righteous moral indignation (pride?), thinking, “Well, the rest of us have to work, so you should too!”  Or “I had to learn how not to behave like that when I was 15!”

Try this on for size: I found myself biased against those who are biased.  Let that roll around on your brain for awhile.  When your brain re-boots, keep reading.

Then one day, I was in the doctor’s office waiting for my appointment.  There, near me was a very large, dirty, disheveled woman who was getting some free care thanks to my very kind doctor.

She was quiet and spoke softly to the nurse.  They were talking about her little dog, for whom she was worried.  She didn’t have enough money for dog food.  She looked like she hadn’t worked in years, she just looked like she had let everything in her life go.

Suddenly, something in me shifted.  I looked at her and the dirty fog of my expectations cleared.  I thought, ‘It’s not my place to judge her.  That woman just wants to love and be loved.’

And so I spoke.  I asked about her dog.  She lit up and started talking.  I told her about a program I knew of that gave free dog food.  I asked her name.  I let her tell me about her day, and her life.  I put kindness in my voice.  I gave what love I had.

Turned out she was a seriously disabled vet returned from Army service the year before.  She was an emotional mess and she knew it.  She was so grateful for any kindness and was obviously used to foul looks and being ignored.  But even without that story, giving love lifted me.  Refusing to be offended by her smell released me.  I left there with a good story for the day, not another “You won’t believe what happened. . .” story of indignation.

I’m proud of that accomplishment.  I have forgotten to do it again.  I’m not proud of that.

So, I’m assigning homework to myself, feel free to join in:

Dodi, you are to catch yourself thinking harshly of someone.  Stop the thoughts, clear your mind and look to their core.  See if you can intuit the kindness they need and give it.  Do this when you go out.  Do this when you have any interaction with some annoying or difficult person.  Then enjoy the gentle bliss that follows.

I’ll let you know how I do.  Wish me luck.

You know, it’s easy to be kind to nice people, what about the rest?

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That’s What I’m Talking About: Nudity, Rape, and H.B.I.C.s

Posted on November 25, 2011 by Boo

Is there a difference in saying “sexual assault” versus the word “rape”? Hell YES there is. It’s time to stop understating the brutality of sexual abuse and violence by the words you use, Mainstream Media. You don’t say “fatal bodily assault” when someone is murdered, do you? I don’t THINK so.

An excellent interview with Abt CEO Kathleen Flanagan about being good at being in charge.

Most empowering quote of the week: “I am not shy of being a woman in a society where women are nothing but sex objects harassed on a daily basis by men who know nothing about sex or the importance of a woman.” – Aliaa Elmahdi, Egyptian woman and blogger that rocked the world last week with her purposeful nudity on Twitter. Her activism spurred other feminists to de-robe for a purpose, and I for one am more proud than ever to be called a feminist today. Read more about Elmahdi’s act here. And please: no death threats, m’kay?

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Blissability: Preserve Bliss…Keep the Energy, Lose the Bitch (Episode 12)

Posted on November 22, 2011 by Dodi

Let’s keep talking about dignity. So, we’ve looked around at how we give ourselves away and how we let people take our energy.

Now, how do we keep that from happening without being bitchy about it? How do we keep ourselves without anger, without resentment? How do we hold firm our own borders and preserve bliss?

To rise above the dust and bother of others and live peaceably above it all? How is that actually accomplished?

When a partner, friend, or family member is grumpy or unfair, how do we respond? When is it important to be right and when is it important to be kind?

I’ve found that if I can emotionally unload the comment, say it with a true feeling of neutrality or even lightheartedness, I can usually find my way to my own core without offense to others. I’ve also found that I usually forget to do this. We get so used to being emotionally loaded, that we forget to allow the emotions to evaporate on their own and follow through with our internals on a even keel.

Another aspect of giving yourself away is not defensive, it’s offensive. If you walk around looking for reasons to be offended, you will find them. And in the process you give yourself to the offender. You give your thoughts away, you give your time away and you give your precious energy away. And for what reason?

AND. . .when do you stand up for yourself and when do you allow a gentle and purposeful ignorance to surround you so that someone who might try to own you or take your dignity can have the space to correct their own behavior? When is it more important to be kind rather than to be right?

One thing that might be a good idea would be to determine what our actions should be before the demanding event arrives. I have been trying this. I’d like some company and I’d like to know what your answers are.

Homework: Ask questions.

Ask yourself these questions and actually, physically write down the answers that come. Don’t be lazy about this. Get paper and pen and write down what comes to you. The ebb and flow of writing will really help this become clear.

One question may be answered many times with different answers each time:

When a friend calls at the worst possible time to talk, what do you say?

What about the person who intends to offend? Oh, dear one, remove that person from your orbit! You can do this by commission or omission, but don’t pollute your own atmosphere with those who mean to hurt. How do you remove yourself from those who are by their very nature, sadly toxic?

What about the person who uses you? What if that person is a spouse or child?

What about the boss that is verbally abusive? How do you keep your dignity AND your job?

When you are sick and someone asks for something, what do you do? How sick do you have to be before you can say no and feel ok?

So many questions. A good start is to listen to your body. I know I keep bringing this up, but it has been an unfailing guide for me. My body is always right. Even when it can’t possibly be, it turns out my body is right.

So, how do you keep your dignity and your job when your boss is as mean as a junk yard dog? Stop and try out some possible scenarios and feel your body respond. Your own instincts will tell you more than any writer or self-help book or Oprah show could.

What do you do when the person who would ‘own’ your time and efforts is someone you love? A child? A partner? Where is the balance? Find the most true thing about the situation and listen to yourself to see if it is the most true thing, then react to that.

Sometimes, when I get into a tiff that involves someone I love, I have to stop and ask myself, “what is the truest thing I can say about this?”

So what is the truest thing I can say right now? Bliss can be tough sometimes.

 

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